Perhaps more importantly, Ass Vamps layers on the atmosphere with a trowel, and never seems to take itself too seriously; in fact, the fun is in how far they'll go with their goth-as-fuck atmosphere, and the establishing shots of exotic streets and market squares in Europe are as delish as could ever make a misunderstood 19-year-old sweep his black hair out of his eyes and sneer "I don't need your candy-apple fairy tale."

That said, the dames and their fetishwear are delectable beyond belief. Susie Diamond graces the first scene with a latex-clad gogo dance which becomes even hotter when she decides to entertain herself with her tied-up boyfriend, putting hot-scarlet lips and fire-engine finernails to the best use they can be put to. Susie also gets a healthy dose of cunnilingus before giving it up, and yes, there's anal aplenty.

Beret-sporting blonde Kathy Anderson hikes up her Roundel shirt and fondles herself on a leopard-print bed, stepping out only to pick up vamptastic brunette Kristi Klenot and bring her home to a sordid beddy-bye featuring stiletto heel fucking and a dildo gag. Daria Glower is a straitjacketed asylum inmate with Linda Blair problems being forcibly repented by a bespectacled priest, who finds himself ill-equipped to deal with her bestial screams and demonic tongue-wagging. In the end, her demon strength helps her break free and Satan wins, the Padre being utterly corrupted by Daria's mouth, pussy and ass. Speaking of Satan, fishnetty and latexicious Simona D brings home a '50s boy with the fallen angel's name on the breast of his bowling shirt and his face painted on the back, but from the rapidity with which Simona coughs up the foot job and the ass fuck, Ol' Sulfurous ain't the one doing the corrupting here.

The disc's last scene features the return of moddy-mod Kathy Anderson, who's found a male playmate; she gets lot of cunnilingus before returning the favor and getting fucked and fucked anally. Ass Vamps comes with a four-hour bonus disc -- appropriately enough, Julie Meadows in Succubus. Ass Vamps is a playfully pretentious, and therefore delightfully unpretentious, journey into the European wonderland of insane asylums, Satan, dirty priests and post-Beatnik sluts hanging out in bare-brick basements. Did I mention goth chicks are hot?

Other high points include adult actress and JM Productions' girl Friday Ashley Blue hearing from a bitchy costar that Ashley's ex is telling people he's still fucking her; a serious actress meltdown when "stuff comes up" during a gangbang scene and a circle of actors surge forward to comfort the sobbing starlet; a surreal interview with Taylor Rain in which she comes across as a complete pinhead; and a vicious argument between actor Weed and some skank when she, apparently, has been such a fucking bitch during their scene together that he's lost wood entirely.

Oh, since I mentioned skanks, perhaps I should point out that neither men nor women behave well here, but any underlying misogyny in Outtakes comes across either as proof positive that men are pigs, or reassuring evidence that porn actresses are total nut jobs and you wouldn't want to fuck them anyway. In short… if you want to be a porn star or porn director do this instead: watch JM Productions Porn's Most Outrageous Outtakes, laugh your ass off, feel extraordinarily queasy and righteously superior, and then get a job as an accountant.

When you watch the first few minutes, the groovy new-age music over an arty silhouettes of Taylor Ash twisting and writhing behind a shoji screen might make you think this is going to be arty couples porn. And it is, baby, oh, how it is. But when Bauer shows up and starts verbally abusing her, things go from arty-pompus to arty-vicious in about zero seconds, and their very hot scene is primal and intense in lush contrast to the classy setting and atmospheric lighting. The Female Gardener this ain't.

Let's talk biker gangbangs for a moment: Scene 2 has Bauer's wife, the lovely Audrey Hollander, in a viscera, sweat, drooly, nasty, dirty-talking gangbang with Brian Sherwood, Dave Hardman, and Buster Good on a pool table. As a lapsed motorcycle enthusiast and a devotee of biker culture, I am troubled by the pretty-boys who play bikers on the exceedingly rare occasions when Chatsworth chooses to throw a bone to biker lovers. I always kinda wondered why there weren't more actual hairy-assed, nasty bikers in porn, and apparently because they were waiting for Otto Bauer to give them a call. The three dudes who work over Audrey in this magnificently filthy scene are rough trade, no doubt about it.

The third scene offers a ball-gagged Brooke Haven sprawled on a chair at Seth Dickens' mercy; there scene's less viscera, but still features anal sex and lots of rough oral. Scene 4 starts with a magnificently arty rock-video scene of fetish-dressed Dana DeArmond and Brooke Haven dancing in front of a moodily-lit fan amid spirals of smoke, then trysting in rough, spitty, drooly oral, fingering and more, before two faceless studs (Bauer and Dave Hardman) show up to fuck them in by now classic Bauer style.

If you liked the rough and tumble fucking and dirty talk of Neo Pornographia, Bauer's work is its next logical step. Or, to put it more simply, if you like artfully done but extremely hardcore porn with slapping, drooling, potty-mouthed stars and starlets and lots of primeval ass-fucking, Supercore is the way to go.

Scene 3 brings in Jennifer Dark, "begging for it" by showing off her perfect body on her sofa while Jay Huntington peeps on her through her window and jerks off. Once she invites him inside, she's deliciously vampy and nasty for their scene involving rough anal sex and a wine bottle going improper places.

In Scene 4, Liv Wylder is tied up with electrical cord in a sleazy public restroom; she manages to free herself from bondage, not so she can escape, but so she can wank. When janitor Otto Bauer shows up and shoves his cock through the glory hole knocked in the stall, Wylder doesn't hesitate to suck and fuck the anonymous member, but lucky for her, there's a glory hole on both sides of the stall, and Rick Masters happens to be on the other side.

Following that is an atmospheric fetish scene with Hollander and Dana DeArmond, with Dana in bondage and Audrey showing her dominant, spank-loving side until Dave Hardman and Otto Bauer come in, at which point Audrey's all business.

Since there's no "Ass" in the title, I should point out that every scene in Smut Merchant features lots of anal sex; actually, there's more anal in here than in a typical half-dozen "all anal" features. Lovers of ass-sex and rough, slappy, spanky, drooly, atmospheric, arty, gooey, hardcore fucking will find no better entertainment than Smut Merchant.

The theme of the Initiations series is that FOB girls (that's "fresh off the bus" for anyone living outside of the 91311 zip code) are interviewed and then -- care to take a guess? That's right, then they fuck. Why two Vivid contract girls qualify as being fresh off the bus I can't be sure… but did I mention they're twins? Curiosity led me to fast-forward to the Twins' scene, in which they share a single Gen-Y stud, and they're twins, all right, but they fall prey to the porn starlet habit that's an absolute deal breaker to me -- while having sex, they whine and yowl and moan and scream as if they weren't paying attention. It's very similar to that "Yeah baby are you gonna give it to me baby why don't you give it to me baby come on and give it to me baby" thing that I hate with every fiber of my being, so the Love Twins get no love from me, despite being very beautiful and, well, twins.

Heading back to the beginning, the other initiated here in volume 20 include Thea Marie ("ex-mainstream model becomes blow-bang facial victim"), Faith Daniels, Sandi Jackmon, Cassidy Essence, Bree Barrett ("Rebel Mormon") and Melania. Faith, Cassidy and Bree are all super hot cute white chicks; Sandi Jackmon is as promised a "Big-titted black beauty" and she indeed "gets pounded." Melania is a MILF performing her first ever three-way, which is remarkably hot. The rest of the scenes are cute, playful, fratty, goofy, and fairly effective. Overall, Initiations #20 is fine unless you're into twins, in which case it's hugely disappointing -- tell those girls to stop screaming. Unless you don't mind that weird fake screaming thing that porn stars do, in which case get yerself all fired up.

First in Anytime Girls is tattooed brunette bombshell Olivia O'Lovely, who expresses a reluctance to "lick man ass." Next is blonde beauty Chelsea Rae, who proves delightful in her anal receptivity and claims she loves it in her private life. Germanic blonde Ana Nova displays equally enthusiastic anal eroticism. Angela Stone is another hot blonde with more of a smalltown girl vibe, who proclaims enthusiastically that she gets off to Byron's movies every night. She gets a rim job and gives one to Byron, as well as getting fucked in the ass. Britney Stevens then shows up to be coquettish about being half of the Stevens twins (see Nice Rack #15). Britney gets plenty of oral attention from Byron before they fuck.

Anytime Girls is a dandy piece of sleazy porn, made more appealing both by Byron's understated personality and his propensity to indulge his own sordid turn-ons. It feels personal, casual, fun, and plenty hot.

Scene 3 features lovely blonde Lauryn May and her tattooed Lothario, who turns out to be director Perry, making love in a bathtub and then moving to the bedroom for some evocatively romantic sex. Scene 4 delivers gorgeous blonde biker chick Tira dropping by the motorcycle dealership to buy a scooter for her girlfriend Denys; the salesman offers home delivery, if you know what I mean, and the two girls are so happy at the great deal he gave them that they have sex both with him and with some random guy who shows up. Now that's service. Chapter 5 sees stunning brunette Simony Diamond enthusiastically losing a game of strip pool to a pair of studs; Diamond loses fast, since she's not wearing much to begin with, but everybody ends up happy nonetheless, and she finds herself stirringly double-penetrated. The last scene offers a vignette with lovely Gitta Blond as a softcore erotica model getting worked up enough by showing off for the camera that when she's asked to kneel for a suggestive pose with her face close to her fellow (male) model's crotch, her fingers just naturally unzip his pants and before you know it more double penetration ensues.

A great collection of erotic scenes and a refreshing trip away from the American style of porn, Wide Open is a perfect example of the best European erotica has to offer.

Next, lovely Private Sativa Rose is sleeping on the job, discovered by her pissed-off Sergeant, who cures her of her major malfunction with some screaming, a lecture, and a fuck. Meanwhile, new recruit Sophia is so exhausted from running the obstacle course that she just needs to take a little rest with her army buddy. She doesn't get much rest, but she certainly does seem refreshed.

Scene 4 is the show-stopper if you dig the military theme; in a GI Jane style abduction training exercise, Shannon Kelly won't give up "the asset," and the violent wrestling match turns into an explosively hot rape fantasy. Next, lovely blonde Elektra finds herself in the stockade for not following orders and generally being a smart-ass. Her attitude adjustment comes in the form of a riding crop, a rim job, and a fuck, all of which gets her to straighten up and fly right -- maybe, but then again, who cares? Attack That Ass comes with a four-our bonus disc, Jim Holliday's vintage Anal Angels.

After Ass Appeal 5, I was so relieved that this disc actually featured anal sex that I hesitate to mention that its back cover proudly proclaims "This is extreme anal fun at its best with every scene ending in a scorching anal cream pie!" There are no anal cream pies; every scene ends in a facial or a lick-job. Not sure who's writing this stuff, but why dampen an otherwise great piece of sleaze with false advertising?

Scene 2 features busty Austin Kincaid, a freshly hired executive moving into her new office and sweet-talking her husband on the phone. Unfortunately, her new supervisor comes in to tell her that he checked up on a couple of her references… uh-oh. Austin handles the crisis with aplomb, convincing her supervisor to keep his knowledge under wraps. Mia Rose's scene features her as an office monkey working a Saturday, dressed up in an unbelievably slutty little business suit, pissed off because she can't smoke a cigarette in the break room. When her coworker springs the news on her that the boss isn't in Boston on business, but in Bermuda with his girlfriend -- seems he's been banging Mia in his office, and she thought she was the only one. She decides to get back at boss-man by fucking the guy right there in the break room -- you show 'im, Mia!

Scene 4 offers Rachel Roxxx, a successful manager whose visit from a salesman demanding his raise is cut short when she rudely tells him to wait while she calls her boyfriend to sweet-talk him. Can you believe it? The boyfriend breaks up with her over the phone, which leads the crestfallen Rachel to need some reassurance that she's sexually attractive (she is). August rounds out the set as a businesslike blonde who brags on the phone to her friend about the fine-ass waterboy who drops off jugs every Wednesday; this time August's finally decided to make a move.

Naughty Office 8 is a charming collection of wicked fantasies that nonetheless manages to be bizarrely wholesome. With its focus on popular fantasies, it's also ideal viewing for couples that can't stand the overwrought production of the high-end features, but want their porn to feel campy, cute, and playful.

Ass Appeal 5 opens with a tarted-up Sunny promising that her Irish, Scottish, Cherokee Indian heritage makes for a wild mix. Whether that's true I haven't the foggiest, but the fact that she says it while wearing red fishnets and a little rhinestone cat collar probably means something, especially since she says she's decided to dress up for her man, who's been working so hard and, later, asks him to spank her, which he does with little enthusiasm. Wait, it gets better: After he rims her, she sucks him, and then THEY HAVE SEX, because apparently a few moments' spanking and a half-assed rim job now justifies putting a scene in something called Ass Appeal.

I go back and check the cover; "Ass Appeal #5!!! Pound These Apple Bottoms! Anal! Facials! DP's! 3-ways!" Nowhere does it say "all anal," so I'm the shithead here, for thinking that something called Ass Appeal would feature all anal scenes. See? It's the "Anal!" vs. the "All Anal!" -- gotta watch for that -- though, when you title your series "Ass Appeal," do we really need to splt hairs, here, or can I just go ahead and think I'm supposed to expect ass-fucking?

I now remember why I haven't written reviews of earlier volumes of the Ass Appeal series. Are you getting my point, Porn Valley? Stop calling things "Ass" because anal sells, unless you're going to provide anal sex because anal sells. I'd say "Don't insult my intelligence," but that ship has long since sailed.

In the second scene, gorgeous Jemeni does have anal sex, complete with farting; Memphis Monroe's next, endowed with a slave collar, but apparently she doesn't do anal either. Lovely Kapri Styles then provides a return to the anal fold, but I'm still waiting for my DP. Welsh brunette Sophie Dee provides it, in the DVD's last scene. Sum total: five scenes, three anal, one DP, one threesome -- how did those plurals get in there? And how did the thing get called Ass Appeal?

Next, Guadalajara native Laurie Vargas shows up in workout shorts and a wifebeater that doesn't do much to camouflage her lovely shape. She's not as much of a talker as Sunny, but she fulfils the other job requirements ably, and also rims Tom eagerly -- he is suck a dirty fucker. She offers a bit of tit-fucking, a showcase of her ample oral skills, and a messy facial. Gorgeous brunette Laurie Vargas is already naked when the camera turns on, but "we're not fucking today," she says teasingly before launching into a lovely blowjob ending in a messy facial. Newcomer Onna Starr, next up, is so adorable you almost can't believe she's going to provide as eagerly as she does, or get Tom off so quickly. Veronica Rayne's next with her dark hair in pigtails and her tongue going places where the sun don't shine. Amber Peach shows off her new dye job -- black hair -- but "I'm still red down there," she giggles. We'll have to take her word for it, though, because she's too busy putting Tom's cock down her throat and her tongue and finger in his butt.

Alt girl Lexi Bardot is such a perv she wants to suck Byron's feet before she does his cock, which freaks him out a little bit but hey, who's complaining. For the love of God, Lexi gives a hot blowjob, and she doesn't object to rimming or a little tit-fucking, either. Lovely Tia Sweets gives a straight-to-business blowjob; gorgeous Sinnamon throws in some rimming, plenty of drooling and some slicked-up fucking of her beautiful tits. Breathtaking brunette Olivia O'Lovely finishes the set with a whole-body massage -- her body, that is -- and a hot blowjob, ending in a facial.

You might think that because this is an oral disk, it'd be less filthy-dirty than other of Tom Byron's offerings. It ain't. This is as rude, lewd, messy and immoral as cocksucking gets.

DVD Reviews - by Johnny Homicide

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